Satire
The Danish government is proposing to ban “turbo chickens,” genetically engineered poultry that reach maturity in less than a month, claiming to protect animal well-being.
The bill, presented to Parliament yesterday, aims to eliminate both chicken farms where birds exceed 2.5kg in 28 days and laboratories, according to the ministry, which have increased the “growth factor” from 0.12 to 1.08kg per day. The ban would first apply within Denmark, then be extended to the entire European Union, as if Denmark could impose its “slow chicken” menu on the 27 member states. The legislation includes the creation of a “slow chicken” label and a fine of 1.2 million Danish kroner for each animal deemed “too fast.”
Professor Edmond Vexé, head of the National Institute of Approximate Sciences, has immediately responded, describing turbo chickens as “existential threats to moral biodiversity.” “If we accept that a chicken can become the Usain Bolt of poultry, we open the door to rocket rabbits and supersonic cows,” he said, his eyes narrowing as if assessing the speed of a jet plane. He added that, according to his approximate calculations, each turbo chicken would save about 0.004% of CO₂ emissions per kilogram of meat—but that benefit would be offset by a 12% increase in psychological stress among farmers who now have to supervise birds that run faster than their own children.
Solange Lucide, a street sociologist, published a statement titled “The Pressured Chicken Syndrome,” arguing that modern society has so desperately needed “instant gratification” that it has transferred it to poultry. “We no longer want hens that grow at the pace of common sense,” she writes, “but creatures that deliver white meat in a blink, even if it means confining them in cages where Wi-Fi doesn’t work.” According to her, Denmark’s reaction represents a desperate attempt to restore slowness in a world where even pickles are now “bio-express.”
The legislation also proposes the creation of a special inspection unit, nicknamed the “Turbo Hunters,” which will patrol farms using drones equipped with radar capable of detecting wingbeats exceeding 75% of normal levels. The cost of this system has been estimated at 37 million euros, equivalent to the annual production of 1,200 tonnes of Danish bacon—a figure chosen “for its symbolic value,” according to an anonymous high-ranking official who provided the data, while adding that he would have preferred the funds be used to build a “Museum of Slowness.”
In this climate of anti-air-speed enforcement, the European community watches, intrigued, Denmark as one would watch a circus act, where the centerpiece is the ban on speed. The real question, Professor Vexé asks, is not so much about the speed of chickens as about the speed with which our laws are trying to catch up with the absurdities we have ourselves created.
In the end, Denmark may not be trying to save chickens, but to remind us that slowness remains the last luxury of a society that’s already speeding up at a loss of control.
Supporting document : based on “Turbo chickens: Denmark wants to tackle intensive farming” (sciencesetavenir.fr).
Satirical article. The truth hurts but it does good. So don’t take it too seriously.
Translated from French.